I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They took my balls.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
