Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
