Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...