I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.