Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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