If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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