there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
