Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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