I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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