i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
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Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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