SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
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This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
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Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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