Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from