Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?