Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...