I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?