You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
