I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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