You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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