The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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