So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
