I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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