This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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