Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
