i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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