the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.