Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize