also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
