worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
