She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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