i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
