Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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