He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
