Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
