Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He kissed a someone with a penis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Let's paint friendship bongs
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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