I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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