Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i barfeds in our rink
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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