PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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