What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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