There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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