I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
