Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
