I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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