Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
