Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
