I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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