its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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