Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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