I'm so fucking centered right now
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it