I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help