He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
