I cannot find my penis.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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