i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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