I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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