everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
