I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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