You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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